Sometimes Our Biggest Trials are the Most Faith Promoting

Lately, I seem to be living in the future, as if worrying about it now will change the events and make life easier.  But, it won't, and worrying about it only hurts me and those around me.  So, I've decided that I need to start having more faith in 'what is' and not worrying about 'what will become'.  

I've been working on this and it has helped me so much!  I was so panicked about the upcoming adoption (JUNE 4), the upcoming deployment, the upcoming birthing-without-husband, the upcoming how-am-I-going-to-take-care-of-4-kids-with-a-newborn while selling our house and packing up for a move-by myself, and the upcoming possibility of having to move with 5 kids alone.

It almost takes my breath away just writing it all down, especially as I think about all the little things that need to happen in between all those big events.  BUT! As I have prayed and prayed, gone to the temple and searched for comfort I have found it.  I don't feel so scared and panicked about the future because I am just going to focus on today.  And each day that I do that something comes up that helps me find peace in what's 'about' to unfold in my life.  

For example:

The other night at Relief Society we were sharing our favorite scriptures and talking about why it's our favorite.  Well, I don't really have a favorite right now...(didn't until that night).  I have a favorite chapter.  It's 2 Nephi 31.  It's my favorite for 2 reasons.  1. Because as a  missionary I memorized the entire chapter.  2. Because it helps us understand Jesus Christ and a part of the Gospel that we don't really talk a lot about, baptism.

Well, at this activity I was skimming through the chapter to see if there was a verse that I could share.  I came across a verse that seemed to fit the theme of the activity, Scripture study.  But as I shared it I realized how much it applied to my life right at that moment and is a scripture that I can rely on as I face my 'upcoming' challenges.  

The verse is 2 Nephi 31:20

"Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.  Wherefore, if ye shall press forward, feasting upon the word of Christ, and endure to the end, behold, thus saith the Father: Ye shall have eternal life."

To me, as I read this I am reading that if I press forward, having hope and faith in Christ and that He will help me, if I read my scriptures as part of that faith and if I serve those around me and not focus on my sorrows and challenges, then I will find strength to 'endure' and will feel peace and happiness and I will not feel alone in all those challenges, I will feel the love and presence of my Savior and those angels who surround me.

It's kind of sad that it takes big challenges to cause me to look to the Savior and focus my life on Him.  At the same time, I really am grateful for the wake-up call!  I need Him in my life and really need to focus more on Him, always, not just during times of trial.

A year in Review...plus a big surprise!

Well, I did not get our Christmas cards and letter out this year.  Part of it was due to our family pics not getting to us until after Christmas and the other part was just laziness...or maybe I was just a little preoccupied. :)  So, if I were to have written a letter and sent a pic below is what you would have seen and read.



                                     PICTURE HAD TO BE REMOVED.
                         We will have plenty more after the adoption takes place.

Jakob turned 8 and was baptized by his dad. He also started 3rd grade and took a gymnastics class.   Zack turned 6 and started 1st grade. He also took gymnastics and excelled. He got really bored with the class because it wasn't progressing fast enough.  He's Hoping to find a real gymnastics class when we move.
We added Jason and Skylar to our family. Jason is doing awesome! He is seeing more but still visually impaired. He is a light in our house and we love him dearly! Skylar has definitely added some spark to our family. Sometimes those sparks have felt like fires but we are learning to make life fun with a strong willed, diva girl. We have not adopted them yet. We have one last hurdle to get through but hopefully, we can get through it before we move.
John came home in March and hasn't had to leave us since. That has been awesome! He is serving in our ward bishopric and enjoying it.  John participated in his first triathlon and loved it.  Now that he has a better road bike he's hoping to do more.
Marrian completed her year long schooling and became certified to do health coaching.  She enjoyed all the volunteer work she did at school and with the military. But most of that has taken a back seat since having new kids in our home.  She turned the big 40 this year.  She also participated in a mud run that she enjoyed very much!
Until our adoption is final we cannot talk about our two new kids.
During the summer we went to Sea World in San Antonio and spent time in Utah and Idaho.  We met and became reacquainted with some awesome family!  We also enjoyed lots of camping this year.  We have enjoyed our time with foster care and are really excited to be adding Skylar and Jason to our family.  The adoption process has become a little complicated.  Pray for us!  It is not looking like the adoption will go through before we move but we are hopeful!  Finding a good lawyer to take on our case is a difficult thing.

Our first big news isn't really news to most of you...we will be moving to Fort Campbell in June. We haven't decided if we are going to move to the Kentucky side of the post or to the Tennessee side.  We are leaning towards the KY side as it is a bit more out in the country.  We plan to have a big house with a big yard so come and visit!!!
Our second big news is that we will be adding an additional child to the family. Yes, Marrian is going to have a baby!  So far, everything is going well!

John after the swim part of the triathlon

Sea World

Mud Run

Traveling to Idaho

Camping

 Jakob and Zackary at gymnastics

Family in Idaho.

We're at it again...

When we went through the licensing process for foster care/adoption we went for the maximum amount of kids we could have in our home (6).  We didn't want to limit ourselves…We want to help as many kids as we can.  

So,  Friday I got a call that there was an emergency situation that needed respite care was needed for a sibling group of 3.  They needed someone to take all of them because it was going to be just a short term situation.  So, we agreed.  And it's been FUN!  There's nothing like 7 kids to force you into being organized, especially when you have to get them all bathed and ready for church.  

I'm not really allowed to post pics and I haven't had a chance to get any.  We have 3 yr old boy who is the cutest, happiest little thing!  We have a 6 year old boy who is a sweet and caring little guy and a 7 year old very shy, insecure and beautiful little girl.  All 3 are Latino and beautiful kids!

John and I both are hoping for more permanent kids after this experience!  It just feels awesome to have a house full of them!

New Post…(sometimes I just don't know what to put for the title)

The last few weeks I've learned that I have really taken my mom-child relationships for granted the last 9 years.  I have not been a purpose driven mother.  But that is changing, now that we have our two new kids.  Because these kids are coming from traumatic homes and one has been in multiple homes we have to work at building a relationship with them.  We have to consciously work on building trust and helping them feel loved and safe.  I don't think I ever thought about that with Jakob and Zack.  But now that we are working on it with these two I am very aware of how I treat and act towards my two boys.  

I also, before getting these 2 new children, worried a little about whether or not I could love someone else's child the way that I love my own.  It weighed heavy on my mind the day we drove 5 hours to visit "J" in the hospital and to bring him home.  Let me say, it is possible!  And boy do we love these two kids!

He LOVES to play the piano, listen to music and sing.  He really struggles during the main church meeting but as soon as we sing he calms down and sings with us.  

Sky loves books and puzzles.  I try to have Jakob and Zackary read to her, especially Zack.  Reading aloud has really helped him improve his reading.

I think it is hilarious that this little kid, who can't see loves "Peek-a-boo" and even knows how to play it.  It makes me laugh!

One day I taught "J" about 'raspberries'.  He belly laughed so hard.  I had never heard him really laugh until that night.  It was so cute and so fun!  Now he's hooked.

On Thanksgiving John and the the soldiers he works with all served lunch at the DFAC.  (The DFAC is a cafeteria style place for the military members here.)  Reminded me of when we lived in Germany.  

Our last night of November we spent at the train museum in town.  It was fascinating to meet a couple of WWII vets who were a photographer and worked with morse code.  The kids had a blast playing on the machines and watching model trains in action.

Everyone deserves to be loved!

I go to a support group for foster and adopting parents and it is AWESOME!
It's at the Baptist church down the street from my house and is a new support group.  It's facilitated by a couple who adopted a 4 yr old from Russia several yeas ago.  We are reading and discussing the book The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis (I mentioned it in my previous post)  We had our support group tonight and I couldn't wait to go!  This experience has been harder than I ever anticipated and today was an especially difficult day.
It is so great to sit around and talk with others who are going through or have gone through similar experiences as I am going through right now.
Tonight we talked about compassion and how sometimes it's hard to love a difficult foster/adopted child but the important thing is that we have compassion and that compassion will help growth happen and when growth happens love will develop.
The best, most touching thing I heard tonight, however,  was not what Karyn Purvis wrote or said in her video or what the counselor said, or experiences shared by other parents.  It was, "We do this not because we've been called to do it.  We do this because it's what Jesus did.  It's what he wants us to do.  He wants us to love the way He loves".
How true that is!  These children that have been placed in our home are very special to Him and he is trusting us to love them the way they deserve to be loved.  To love them the way He loves them. Everyone deserves to be loved the way Jesus loves us.  I want to be more like Jesus and love without judgment, reservations or hesitations.  I want to love even when I'm being yelled at by my kids or when I'm exhausted and can't take another demand from a 3 year old.   That is my new prayer!

What I'm learning from being a foster parent

Being a foster parent is H.A.R.D.!  WOW!
And until tonight I have not wanted to say that because I feared people would judge me for getting into this in the first place.  But no matter how hard it is, I wouldn't take it away or want it to be different.
What is the hardest part is that bonding with one has been easy while bonding with the other has not.  I'm reading a book The Connected Child by Karyn Purvis.  (Our foster care training was based on her work) It is a great book that is helping me really understand what is going on inside the mind of a traumatized little kids.  It doesn't make it any easier, but understanding the children helps love them.
Our youngest is soooo easy to love.  He is so happy, most of the time and is so eager to please you and hug you and give kisses.  He is progressing at such a fast pace.  Today I realized that the reason he is so much easier to handle is because his needs are very visual.  You can see them.  With our little girl, it's not so easy.  Her needs are completely emotional and harder to understand.  But I'm learning!

Things I've learned so far:
1. Toddlers are so demanding!
     I remember when Jakob and Zack were toddlers.  They were demanding but I was so depressed that all I wanted to do was to survive each day.  I did things with them.  I took them to the park and outside to ride bikes and such.  But I didn't enjoy a single bit of it.  (Oh, the guilt I have over that period to time.)
These 2 new ones that we have...oh wow!  The little guy is still learning how to eat.  He's having to relearn everything since becoming blind.   It's taken him 2 months just to get to where he's at today.  And it's more like a 6-9 month old learning to eat.  So, we have to be right there, encouraging him and cheering him on as well as teaching and helping him use his utensils.  (That just started last night.  He's been wanting to eat everything by himself and with utensils)  Well, while I'm sitting one chair away from Sister, trying to get brother to eat, sister is crying because she wants me to feed her with her spoon.  The other day she wanted me to hand feed her chicken nuggets.  (Yes, we're back to using chicken nuggets.  It's one thing that little guy would eat well when he came to our home.)  While I'm feeding sister, brother decides to throw everything off his high chair and out of his bowls  and when I'm trying to feed brother, sister is either throwing a fit or whining that she wants to be fed.  That's just meal time.  It's like this with just about everything.

2.  Being a mom of toddlers is very taxing emotionally, physically AND mentally
     I'm so out of it when it these days!  I can't tell you what day of the week it is or even what time it is. I can't tell you the last time I put on make up or even washed my hair.  My showers are 5 minutes and I wash the necessary areas unless I have a little extra time and then I wash my hair.  Shaving...oh dear!  Did I really not shave when my boys were toddlers???  I don't remember that.  I stay up late just to sit with sister till she falls asleep and then I try to do a little house work or computer time and I get up super early so that I can read my scriptures and a little from the book I mentioned before.  At the end of the day, I'm so exhausted!  I don't have time to cook.  I've only gotten to juice once and I had to stay up late to do it and then saved it for the next day.

3. My boys are more awesome than I ever imagined!
     Especially Jakob.  I did not know he had it in him to be so kind and caring!  They have been so helpful!  They get to "babysit" quite often and they are always eager to help play or read book or watch and make sure little brother doesn't run into the wall or corner of table/piano.   We had discussions with them about not getting a lot of attention, before the kids came into our home.  Once Jakob said, "You can give them all my attention as long as you kiss me goodnight at bed-time".  So sweet.   Tonight Jakob did tell me that he doesn't like to read to his sister because she wants him to read and read and read.  But he does it because he knows she likes it.

4. Girls are so so so very different than boys.  And that screaming...oh, I can hardly bare it!
     No one could have prepared me for what it would be like to have a little girl in my home!  This little 3 year old is fiercely independent (aside from the attention seeking neediness mentioned before) She's so use to doing everything herself and "running the show" and I have a hard time letting go of my need for control.  She wants to pick out her own clothes, and that's fine but she doesn't care or understand that it's been in the 20's first thing in the morning or that I need to make sure her teeth are really brushed or she wants to do her own hair and put her own pony tale in (which I'm ok with, if we're not going anywhere) When she's not allowed to do something she wants to do she SCREAMS.  She screams when she's hyper too.  Oh, it's loud and like fingernails on a chalkboard.
I have no clue how to do her hair.  I've joked about it with my friends, a lot, but I was more serious than I think they thought I was.  I have one hair style down and that's it.  And she 'has to have her hair done' everyday.

5.  Good Foster parents are a gift from Heaven!
The foster family that this little girl was in before ours was one home I wish all kids could go to!  The foster mom is amazing and has she has a special bond with our little girl.  We got to talk to her today.  It was a bit sad.  Our little girl wants to go back and has been thinking that foster mom was going to come and pick her up.  So today foster mom had to explain to her that she's not coming back and that this is her home now.  The tears were so big.  It was so sad.  I've gotten to know this mom and I hope I can be like her!  I hope that our little girl will begin to understand what's going on in your life.

6. Abuse happens in all kinds of situations.
Knowing when and why it happened to these kids would be so helpful in understanding their fears!  Our little guy has this horrible horrible fear of having his diaper changed.  I think that not being able to see is one reason but we try to talk the whole way through it, telling him every little thing we're doing and he still fights as hard as he can to not have it done.  And When his sister has done something that she thinks she's going to get in trouble for she runs and hides.

7. Abuse is a horibe, horrible, horrible thing!!!
     I understand what it's like to get so frustrated with a baby or a very young toddler that you have to put them in a crib and walk away for a little while, to regroup and regain some patience.  What I can't understand is how anyone can get so frustrated that they beat a child to death or near death in our situation.  I just don't get it.  When Jakob was a baby I was taking parenting classes to finish my degree and I would go home after watching videos of or discussing abuse and I would hold Jakob till he squeezed out of my arms.  It made me soooo sooo sad to think that was happening to someone else's baby or child.  And it makes my heart sad to look at these two precious little kids and think about it being done to them.

HERE THEY ARE!

I had to remove the pictures because TX state law says I can't post pics of foster kids.

I know, everyone is dying to 'meet' our new little kids!
But first, I want to share some things about them.  In my recent post about National Adoption Month I mentioned something about 2 kids who we were chosen to take and then fell through.  What I failed to mention was that when we were sent the detailed description of their situation we felt very strongly that they were to come to our home.  So, even though it didn't work out we still felt like it was going to happen.  John, especially, felt certain that we would end up with them.  In fact, last Sunday evening he said to me, "I think the Aunt is not going to work out and we are going to get them".  Sure enough, the next morning we got "the phone call".
The interesting thing is that these 2 children were not what we were wanting.  We were looking at school aged children and older teenagers.  And physical disabilities were at the top of our list of challenges we were not wanting.  So, it was very surprising to read the detailed description of their situation and have such very strong feelings.
I can tell you, though, that God LOVES these two children.  I have been moved to tears a number of times as I have gotten to know "J".  (I can't use their real names nor can I post pics on FB)  Little "J" is a very special boy who is has a special mission on this earth.  He is a fighter and so resilient.  "Sky" is a girly girl through and through.  She is very head strong but is just the sweetest little thing!
The court date to find out if we get to adopt them is in February but everyone (caseworkers involved) is hoping it happens sooner.
I can't go into a lot about them until we adopt them.  I will tell you that "J" has been in the hospital since September.  He was in a coma and the doctors were not hopeful, at all, that he would survive.  But, he not only has survived, he has touched so many people's lives!
After we got the phone call they asked us if we would go to Dallas (5 hours away) and meet "J" and go through some medical training.  Thanks to the awesome women at church, and JOhn's commander, we were able to leave Tuesday morning.  The boys and Kody spent the week at a friend's house and we spent the rest of the week at Our Children's House at Baylor.  It's part of the Baylor University Hospital  that specializes in children's rehab.  We made an instant connection with our new little guy and we feel very honored that we get to take care of him!!
Here are some pics

John and "J" have a special bond!

 He is Cortically blind. The NG tube is in place to supplement for his lack of drinking and a little for food.  That was part of our training we had to do.  We had to learn to put an NG tube in as well as give him liquids and pediasure through it.

 The ride home was VERY long.  Especially for two toddlers.  But they both dealt with it better than we had anticipated.

It took us 'forever' to leave the hospital because nurses and parents of other patients and therapists were literally running down the halls to get "one more" goodbye in.  He really had an impact on those who cared for him in the hospital.

"Sky" was quick to connect to Jakob and Zackary.  Especially Jakob.  

Below are pics of the boys while we were gone.  

Jakob and some of his classmates at a City Council meeting.  During the meeting there was discussion about recycling.  These 4 kids are a part of a research group who are studying that subject.

5 Loaves of bread and 2 fish

I just listened to a sermon by Lori ....ugh, I can't remember her last name.  I don't know who she is but the sermon was on the Focus on the Family show.  Anyway, it was AWESOME and I want to share what I got out of it.
She used the story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 with only 5 loaves of bread and 2 fishes.  She told the story from the little boy's perspective.  A perspective I have never given thought to but is one I will never forget.
From the story we gather that the boy came from a very poor family.  Can you imagine what it may have been like for that boy to have the apostles go to him and ask him if they can have his lunch?  But he gave it to them knowing that somehow it was going to feed ALL THOSE PEOPLE there.
Sometimes God asks us to do things that are out of our reach.  If we truley want to live a life side by side Christ we are going to be asked to do things that seem impossible to our minds.  We are going to be asked to sacrifice for a cause bigger than we can understand.  We are going to be asked to do things that are out of our possibility range, that are HARD.  But when5  we 'offer our lunch of 5 loaves and 2 fishes' to Christ, He can use it to do the impossible with it.  Miracles only happen in our lives when we are stretched outside of our earthy limits, emotionally, physically and spiritually.  But, if we do it for Him and with Him, we can do anything He asks of us!

NOVEMBER IS NATIONAL ADOPTION AWARENESS MONTH!

Most of our family and friends know that we are trying to adopt.  

Our two boys are our little miracle children.  After several failed pregnancies and 2 deployments we have them but we have not been able to have any more.  So, we are trying to adopt.

We decided that we would do this through the foster care system.  We've been licensed to do foster care in the past but because of our military (always moving) lives, we have yet to actually have any kids in our home.  With the exception of a short respite experience we had in Utah many years ago.  

We got our license the day before my birthday and have been anxiously waiting to bring children into our home since.  There are sooooo many kids who need a good home.  The deeper we get into this the more we see the extent of need that is out there.  In Texas alone, there are 6, 500 kids in foster homes who need to be adopted.  That's just Texas.  These are not all the foster kids, just the kids whose parental rights have been severed.  It's so sad.  And when we look (which we do often) at the photo listings and profiles of those kids we just want to bring them all into our home.  

So, 2 weeks ago we were selected to bring home these 2 children who are 2 yrs and 3 years.  When we got the email about these two, along with a description of their situation we felt very inspired!  But, it wasn't meant to be :( .  We found out that a great aunt decided she would take them.  (Family first) But,  If it doesn't work out with this aunt we will definitely be the ones that get them.

We are once again waiting to hear if we've been selected for a different group of children.  Hopefully, we find out this week!

Time Out for Women- Arlington, TX

 This past weekend I went to Time Out for Women in Arlington with some friends.  Heather, Reese and Christy.  Words cannot begin to express how awesome it was!  I got everything I needed out of it and was so inspired!  I was really sad that Brad Wilcox couldn't make it.  His mother died and her funeral was on Saturday.  They replaced him with John Bytheway and when they announced it I was soo disappointed.  BUT, he was inspiring!  Every speaker seemed to have spoken on every aspect of my life that I have been needing inspiration for.  Especially with my family.  I came away ready to go home and face my challenges head on, with the Spirit, with courage and inspired!

One of the highlights of this event was running into and reconnecting with a good friend who I had lost contact with.   She was a friend from my Utah interpreting days.  So grateful for the reconnection!!

 I didn't get pictures of everything.  I didn't even get pictures of all my favorite speakers.  Jericho Road was awesome!  I was not looking forward to them being the musical performers for the day because I thought they were acapella and I was wanting something different, I guess.  But, they are not acapella and they were fabulous!  I was surprised that they were even there because the guy I'm pictured with recently moved to a new state and started a new job, etc.  I've been following his wife's blog (refer to post on miracles for link) and they are an amazing family!  I was hoping I would get to meet him and I did!  Merilee Boyack was one of the speakers and she was awesome as well.  (All the speakers and music were awesome!)  Jenny Oaks Baker was the other music performers and she is one talented woman!  We also heard from Sheri Dew (My favorite!), Chris Williams (I highly recommend his book!) John Hilton III, Laurel Christensen and Sandra Turley.

This is what the boys did while I was gone.  They went camping and fishing.